Thriving marriages have this in common

Of all the people who get married, only 3 in 10 marriages remain healthy and happy.
So what’s the magic ingredient that makes happy relationships work?

A main predictor of thriving marriages is kindness. Researcher Dr. John Gottman found that expressing support led to a much higher probability of staying together — 90% versus 33% in less supportive couples. He found that happy couples prioritize kindness, say and do kind things regularly, and make five times as many positive comments to each other as negative ones.

There are many facets to a relationship, but the foundation of respect, friendship, and kindness may be the most important and non-negotiable.

Gottman also found that when couples split up, it’s not always because of big issues, but it’s often a result of the resentment and distance that grows over time when partners continually turn away from bids for connection.

What’s a bid for connection? “A bid is any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. Bids show up in simple ways, a smile or wink, and more complex ways, like a request for advice or help.”

Gottman writes, “After many months of watching these tapes with my students, it dawned on me. Maybe it’s not the depth of intimacy in conversations that matters. Maybe it doesn’t even matter whether couples agree or disagree. Maybe the important thing is how these people pay attention to each other, no matter what they’re talking about or doing.”

Successful couples are kind and attentive.

Here’s to small acts of daily kindness, eye contact, listening, putting the phone down, turning toward and not away from bids, and paying good attention to each other.